What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 01:03
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im still living with it.
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As i do to all so called friends.?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
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One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Especially a lifetime of it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We were not on the streets..
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It was going to be , some day.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was 9 years of age.
Who then, do I blame.?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
What has been your best sexual experience?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Can you explain the difference between a shower cap and a hair bonnet?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Ive learnt so much.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She married twice! .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My family never makes their pension either.
Would this be the day?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My life is so biszare .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Put me off passion for life!!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was scared of men, in general
But, we were locked up after school.
So, i spoilt her more .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
All the time i was locked up.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And i lived it daily.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I could never make a relationship work though!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I said to her
He resisted the act ,that day.
But it wasn’t much.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I have no regrets .
I don,t even have a pension.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
What did i know ?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I couldn’t, believe it.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My mum and dad in the seventies!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He knew the spot.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We all went to grammer schools
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Comes on , in middle age.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I waited trembling.
I will be 64.
She was in good health!
I was very sick at this time too.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Why did i forgive my father ?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She loved him until the end.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
This is soul school!.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I write beautiful poetry .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She wouldn,t have been !
I had hoped to write a book about this .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
One cannot live in the past .
I never cut or harmed myself..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
When she asked me how she looked .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I think the readers, may guess!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She found it foreign!.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was seconnd youngest,
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
So whats the point in blame.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!